5/25/24
it's after 1 AM, and i've just been sitting alone in my apartment for a few hours feeling tired and bored. i've always liked having quiet time to myself at this time of night, but tonight it feels too quiet. i've felt disconnected from other people for a long time, and that feeling bothers me the most at times like this, when i have no one to talk to, not even my partner or my online friends. i don't know what to do except try to distract myself, but i'm getting tired of only doing that.
i first considered writing about this in this journal about a month ago, on a day when i was feeling particularly alone. i want to express myself and all, but i'm not sure what writing this will accomplish, and what i tried to write a month ago feels pathetic looking back. what i'm writing now isn't especially different, but i'm still going to finish it. nothing else to do, really.
still, some good things have been happening lately. i started watching friends, and it's always a little bright spot in my day to spend some time laughing at a few episodes. of course, at times like this, watching it feels more like a mere distraction that reminds me of the fact that i don't have a supportive friend group in my own life, but i genuinely enjoy the show, and i'm going to watch more of it before i go to sleep. i mean, what's wrong with finding comfort in some pleasant, light viewing?
anyway, actual life stuff not related to me yapping about 90's sitcoms. i really look forward to seeing my partner tomorrow (this evening)! i really love them. they graduated from college a few weeks ago, and so i've been getting to see them a bit more often. we saw furiosa the other day, so that was fucking awesome. also, i'm still looking for a job so that hopefully my whole "being unemployed and feeling worthless about it" problem is solved soon. i had an interview at a pet shop yesterday, and i think it went okay. first interview i've had since i lost my last job, (bad story) so it feels like a step forward.
still though, it's like i told my therapist the last time i saw her. i'm tired of feeling like i've done nothing with my life, and i'm tired of people telling me i still have time to figure things out. i can't even argue with the simplistic self-help messages i see all around me from people who want me to frame my life as a success story in progress, because i genuinely wish i could think more positively. but i also don't want to just pretend i don't feel like shit most of the time, so i think what i want the most right now is to be understood.
speaking of which, i'm going to actually write about myself in my next entry. by that i mean myself, not just my life. back to watching friends for now.